The results of my genetics test have been revealed:
DNA Finding: APC, EXON08, c.847C>T, p.Arg283X, Heterozygous, Pathogenic
Official Diagnosis: Familial Adenomatous Polyposis
Apparently, the “T” in the c.847C>T should be a C. Who knew the alphabet could cause such troubles. Of course, this is me being a bit jaded.
It was not unexpected, yet any glimmer of hope that I had that environmental factors were contributive, or perhaps the genesis, is officially and completely extinguished.
I’ve noticed a trend that when I go to an appointment, they wait for an emotional response from me, only to have the time filled with awkward pauses and no conversation. I am not sure if they expect me to sob like a baby or ask a million questions. I do neither. All my questions have been answered, and I released all emotional response to it a few weeks ago, and back in October.
Interestingly, at my Genetics Counseling meeting, the Counselor waited, just as my Surgeon had, waiting, waiting, waiting, for me to exhibit some emotional response. It is actually really interesting how one can unwittingly almost disconnect emotions from a situation. When I was reading this report and she was talking to me, I was not thinking or feeling anything in particular. It was 30 minutes of awkward silence or her trying to answer questions I was not asking, and on my end the entire experience was wrapped up in this “okay” feeling. I knew it was not denial. Though it made me wonder if it’s acceptance, or indifference?
I think indifference is resignation, or this certain stagnancy, that “there is nothing I can do to change this, it is what it is.” Sure, it’s easy to mistake that as acceptance, I agree. But indifference has a certain undertone that is pitying or at least completely inactive. I believe there is mindful acceptance, that is accepting your experience as it happens, moment to moment, where there is no more feelings of blame or denial. Acknowledging what you are going to experience without trying to change it (‘cause honestly, how could you? It’s genetics): it’s accepting the shit without changing it at all.
Perhaps this was my moment of acceptance.
Plain, simple, pure acceptance.